boogerland

Last Mother’s Day was the worst day of my life.

My newborn was a chubby healthy-seeming 9-pounder. We were about 12 hours away from taking him home. He was breastfeeding less and less and then not at all. He hadn’t pooped yet, but at two-days old they kept saying, “It will come. Don’t worry.”

He got really fussy. His pee had orange crystals, indicating dehydration.

And then he went downhill fast. Belly got hard and distended. Started vomiting dark-green bile. Screaming in pain. Rushed to the NICU. 14 IV attempts. Shaved off his baby fuzz-hair to finally get a vein to work.

We didn’t know what was happening, what was wrong with him. We were shocked and scared out of our minds. When the surgeon wished me a “Happy Mother’s Day,” I almost punched him. (Days later Babycakes had an emergency colostomy and they confirmed his diagnosis - Hirschsprung Disease.)

Lots of well-meaning souls offered their help during this horribly difficult time. As someone who’s been there, here are my suggestions for helping a mom (or dad) who’s going through a rough time. The key is to BE SPECIFIC. Don’t say, “Let me know how I can help.” She doesn’t even know what day of the week it is, or when she ate last. Tell her how you can help her - or just go ahead and do it.

1. Help the mom take care of herself by bringing her meals, toiletries, clean clothes, a good book. Offer to sit with the sick child while she gets out for a bit.

2.Be there if she wants to talk, and show that you care and are thinking of her. But don’t bug her for updates, since you’re probably one of many and she might not be ready to talk.

3. Help her keep her home running. Offer to do specific jobs: mow the lawn/shovel the driveway, get her mail, take out her garbage (especially if she’s at the hospital). If you can, tactfully remind her to pay her bills - that’s something I WISH someone would have said to me.

4. Help her family. Babysit, or even better, do something special with her healthy kids. Bring meals to her family. Drive her kids to school, activities or appointments.

5. Be extra mindful of what you say and do. She’s probably extra-sensitive (and can you blame her?) so don’t say, “Everything is going to be OK” or “He’ll be just fine after this surgery” - because 1. You don’t know that and 2. It could come off as minimizing the situation/her feelings.

This year, we had a blissfully uneventful, and very happy Mother’s Day, with our two healthy little boys. But I know that not every mom was so lucky.